Dispatches from the Cusp of Greatness

By Jocelyn Jane Cox

This summer is supposed to be a particularly buggy one. Here are some things you may want to take into consideration:

1. Do not apply Chapstic right before jogging down by the river. It will act as an adhesive and your lips will get covered in a layer of gnats.
2. Make sure your air conditioner is flush with your window frame. If there are gaps on either side, mosquitoes will sneak in to hold a dance party on your ceiling and your body will serve as the open bar.
3. Do not open your fire escape door even if it’s the only way you can get any cross breeze. This is an invitation for obese flies to congregate in a lethargic ball above your coffee table, so that you cannot see past them to the TV.
4. Always lock your front door. Water bugs have been known to climb stairs, fill tubs, and they are notoriously wasteful when it comes to designer bubble bath.
5. When your adorable little niece comes over, don’t let her spit out a half-sucked butterscotch on your front stoop. Starving ants from six surrounding counties will hitch rides to your place for the feast. 
6. If you leave your door open too long while bringing in groceries, wild horse flies will gallop in behind you, then stampede all over your famous pasta salad. 
7. Be sure to replace the broken window in your bedroom. You don’t want bumblebees to fly in and pollinate the flowers on your bed sheets.
8. Moths? Don’t even think about turning on any lights until after Labor Day.  
9. If you’re sitting on a lawn chair at a friend’s barbecue and you don’t tuck your feet up under you, red ants will march up your leg and quickly transform it into a military zone.
10. Similarly, if high winds have compromised the integrity of the tiny metal grids of your window screens, wasps will strong-arm their way through and shoot you. 

Remember, it’s going to be particularly buggy this summer, so, in addition to all of the above considerations, it’s recommended that you sleep with your eyes open, your mouth closed, and your earplugs in. 

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