Dispatches from the Cusp of Greatness

You will develop quadricep muscles of impressive circumference and uncommon strength. These will come in handy for future games of kickball and also for playfully bouncing babies on your knee.

In order to move in without contracting the services of professional movers (and let’s face it, you wouldn’t even consider renting a 17^th floor walk-up if you could afford such luxuries), you will have no choice but to break your furniture down with an ax into smaller, more manageable parts. By putting it all back together again once upstairs, you will greatly improve your woodworking skills and you will be invited to lend them to your friends who also find themselves getting gradually priced out of New York City.

Though you never before had any interest in scaling Mount Everest, you will become intrigued by the prospect. After a few months, you will be able to run up to your apartment in under 40 minutes when you realize that you forgot something essential like your apple or your shoes. The fact that you will be able to do so without an oxygen tank will start to make you feel more than a little qualified for the most famous peak of the Himalayas.   

The monthly rent will be reasonable enough so that you’ll be able to afford to go out to dinner twice per year and splurge on an occasional subway ride. You will also be able to treat yourself to the splendors of electricity, which you had to forgo when you were so irresponsibly throwing your money away on that 11^th floor walk-up. 

The view is unparalleled. You will be able to easily inspect, judge, and envy the lifestyles of residents who live on the 17^th floors of three other buildings. Of course, since all of these people will have been delivered to their apartments by the gravity-defying power of elevators, they will have the energy to walk over to their windows and close the blinds when they notice you.