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PRODUCTS I WILL NEVER ENDORSE THOUGH I’M CERTAIN I’LL BE APPROACHED SOON AND OFFERED PILES OF MONEY TO DO SO

Frisée: Yes, I believe the beauty of salads is in their diversity. And I appreciate the descriptive name of this type of “lettuce” because its appearance is rather frizzy. But please don’t ever serve me any of these unbearably bitter weeds, especially in a fancy restaurant: they hate it when you retch.

Glitter Cards: Not only does glitter from these sparkly greeting cards stick to your hands, it eventually transfers itself onto your face, onto everything you own, and even onto people you meet on the street. I suspect that each one of these tiny particles is actually an alien and this is their quiet yet thorough way of taking over.

Cellophane: Sure, it’s transparent and therefore allows you to see what is stored within, but peel it back, and it transforms into a limp, wet, sheet of slime best described as: Downright Icky. Forget werewolves and monsters, it is the villain of my worst nightmares. I’ll instead take the opaque, reassuring crinkle of tin foil any day.

Foodstuff Flavored to Taste like Bananas: Apparently, artificial flavorings are often manufactured in perfume houses. Nowhere is this more evident than in the ever-disappointing yet oft-ordered Banana Muffin. If I want to ingest perfume, I have a whole bottle of it on my dressing table.